this little boy was staying with his grandma and grandpa and was playing out in the yard with a worm trying to make it go into a little hole he had dug grandpa says from the porch boy you can't make that worm go where it doesn't want it to go, the boy said yes i can grandpa, grandpa says well hell if you can make it go into that hole i will give you $5 little boy says ok runs inside grabs a can of hair spray lays the worm out flat and gives it a heavy dose of spray and it becomes solid as a rod and the kid shoves it into the hole, grandpa says well hell hands him $5 and walks inside 10 minutes later he comes back out and hands the boy another $5, the boy said but grandpa you already paid me...... that is from your grandma!

 

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."

 

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.




On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the robber’s hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.







The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!







He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.







He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him.







The robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.







Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.







"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber.







There follows a tense minute of silence.







An elderly Italian gentleman, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I thinka my wife caught a glimpse."

 

The Little Green Snake
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes
(Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous.
Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants.
During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them
indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

<img width="28" height="55" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1422048305561_12219" border="0">

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was
hidden in one of the plants.
When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the
wife saw it go under the sofa.

<img width="142" height="101" border="0">
She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into
the living room naked to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
<img width="32" height="32" border="0">

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him
on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him,
so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
<img width="120" height="112" border="0">

His wife thought he had a heart attack,
so she covered him up, told him to lie still
and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests,
loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
<img width="32" height="32" border="0">

About that time, the snake came out from under the
sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and
dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke
his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
<img width="144" height="68" border="0">

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house,
so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture
the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper
and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it
was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
<img width="32" height="32" border="0">

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions,
where she felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
<img width="142" height="101" border="0">

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out,
tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping
at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the
woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back
of the head with a bag of canned goods,
knocking him out and cutting his scalp
to a point where it needed stitches.
<img width="32" height="32" border="0">

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint
and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his
wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake
had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle
of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
<img width="25" height="80" border="0">

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey,
and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the women
tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
<img width="32" height="32" border="0">

The police called an ambulance,
which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
<img width="222" height="93" border="0">

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa
and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.
The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and,
as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
<img width="32" height="32" border="0">

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames,
and fell through the window into the yard on top
of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and
raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to
avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
<img width="127" height="77" border="0">

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes
and called in the fire department. The firemen had
started raising the fire ladder when they were
halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out
the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected
the telephones in a ten-square city block
area (but they did get the house fire out).
<img width="104" height="107" border="0">

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital,
the house was repaired, the dog came home,
the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
<img width="32" height="32" border="0">

A while later they were watching TV and the
weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The wife asked her husband if he thought they
should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

 

Little Johnie was sitting in class, when the teacher asked him if he had done his oral report for homework last night.

Little Johnie replies, "no teacher, I didn't."

The teacher replies, "well if you don't have it ready for tomorrow morning, I'll have to call your parents!"

As little Johnie was walking home, he saw a car hit a dog in the a$$. He says to himself, "well that will make a great oral report tomorrow!"

In the morning the teachers ask Johnie if he had done his report.

Little Johnie say "Why yes I have."

"As I was walking home last night, I saw a dog get hit by a car in the A$$" The teacher interrupts and corrects Johnie, she says, "its rectum"

Johnie says, "wrecked him?! Dam near killed him!"

 

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad Stan".

 

good one jack!

 

I recently heard that Chuck Norris was bitten by a rattle snake, after two weeks of terrible pain, the snake finally died.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of lemons, or pineapple.

Most blood types are A+, AB, or O, Chuck Norris's blood type is AK-47

Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norrised.

 

BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA



The doctor that had been seeingan 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup,the new Doctor told her To bring a list of all the medicines that had beenprescribed for Her.



As the doctor was lookingthrough these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription forbirth control pills.



"Mrs. Smith, do yourealize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?



"Yes, they help me sleepat night."

Mrs. Smith, I assure you thereis absolutely NOTHING in these that that could possibly help you sleep!"



She reached out and patted theyoung Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grindone up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year oldGranddaughter drinks. and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep atnight."



You gotta Love Grandmas



THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT



A man was riding a bus, mindinghis own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feedher baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat itall up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."



Five minutes later, the babywas still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll giveit to this nice man here."



A few minutes later, theanxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposedto get off four stops ago!



BIOLOGY EXAM:



Students in an advanced Biologyclass were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name sevenadvantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.



One student, was hard put tothink of seven advantages. He wrote:



1) It is perfect formula forthe child.



2) It provides immunity againstseveral diseases.



3) It is always the righttemperature.



4) It is inexpensive.



5) It bonds the child tomother, and vice versa.



6) It is always available as needed.



And then the student was stuck.Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of thetest, he wrote:



7) It comes in two attractivecontainers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.



He got an A.



WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER



An old Italian man in Brooklynis dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissiname. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will alwaysremember me."



"But grandpa, I reallydon't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"



"You lissina me, boy!Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife,lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "



"Somma day you gonnacome-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whattayou gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?



A RIDE IN THE TAXI



A woman and her twelve-year-oldson were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostituteswere standing under awnings.



"Mom," said the boy,"what are all those women doing?"



"They're waiting for theirhusbands to get off work," she replied.



The taxi driver turns aroundand says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers,boy! They have sex with men for money."



The little boy's eyes get wideand he says, "Is that true Mom?"



His mother, glaring hard at thedriver, answers "Yes".



After a few minutes, the kidasks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"



"She said" "Mostof them become taxi drivers."

 

Ha, nice start to the workweek with a couple of laughs!

 

WOW a couple giggles in there :-)

 

Effective suicide counselling


A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by, stopped and said:
"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes and it won't matter to you, how
about a **** before you go?"

She screamed: "NO! You filthy old tramp!"

He shrugged and turned away, saying:
"Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

 

Great thread. Subscribing so as to fined it again as I only got through a few pages.
Great stuff guys.

 

Jack finds the good ones.

 

Welcome Artic--- I love love love the unibody in your picture Arctic I have a "new" yellow one its a '63.