This is funny, I don't care who ya are!!
#242
04-18-2013, 09:26 AM
#244
05-27-2013, 08:31 PM
Wife, being the very romantic sort, sent her husband a text message:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, replied,
“I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, replied,
“I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
#245
05-27-2013, 08:33 PM
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked a cowboy at the Pearly Gates.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
#246
11-18-2013, 11:41 AM
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist. Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch" The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact" "POOP" said Claude. It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Center and Claude was never invited there again.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch" The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact" "POOP" said Claude. It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Center and Claude was never invited there again.
#247
11-18-2013, 09:26 PM
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#248
01-21-2015, 06:00 PM
Hotshot
> > An elderly
> > couple had just learned how to send text messages on their
> > phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was
> > more of a no-nonsense guy.
> >
> > One
> > afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for
> > coffee.
> >
> > She
> > decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she
> > wrote:
> >
> > "If
> > you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing,
> > send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If
> > you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me
> > your tears. I love you.”
> >
> > The
> > husband texted back to her:
> >
> > "I'm on the toilet. Please
> > advise."
> > couple had just learned how to send text messages on their
> > phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was
> > more of a no-nonsense guy.
> >
> > One
> > afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for
> > coffee.
> >
> > She
> > decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she
> > wrote:
> >
> > "If
> > you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing,
> > send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If
> > you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me
> > your tears. I love you.”
> >
> > The
> > husband texted back to her:
> >
> > "I'm on the toilet. Please
> > advise."
#249
01-21-2015, 06:17 PM
Back on June 9th, a group of Manhattan, Kansas bikers were riding west on I-70 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Bridge . So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
#250
01-21-2015, 06:20 PM
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a dang wall."
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a dang wall."
#251
01-21-2015, 06:22 PM
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to kiss off."
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
#252
01-21-2015, 06:25 PM
One fer Chad.
DISTRESS AT 18,000 FEET
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, Mayday… ….The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!!”
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”.
He began his series of questions.
Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me”.
Tower: “Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are traveling at 180 mph??”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me”.
Tower: “Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??”
…
…
Aircraft: “Because the poop in my pants is sliding out of my collar.”
DISTRESS AT 18,000 FEET
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, Mayday… ….The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!!”
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”.
He began his series of questions.
Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me”.
Tower: “Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are traveling at 180 mph??”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me”.
Tower: “Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??”
…
…
Aircraft: “Because the poop in my pants is sliding out of my collar.”
#253
01-21-2015, 06:28 PM
EVEN IN SCOTLAND
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps you would prefer
someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a
visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it
to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as
she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he
paid Suzy and they went upstairs. After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh." "I know." the man said.
"Your sister died, and I am her lawyer. She asked me to give you your $15,000
inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being cheated by a lawyer
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps you would prefer
someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a
visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it
to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as
she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he
paid Suzy and they went upstairs. After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh." "I know." the man said.
"Your sister died, and I am her lawyer. She asked me to give you your $15,000
inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being cheated by a lawyer
#254
01-21-2015, 06:30 PM
After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave
myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the
car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's
ignition.
He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking
lot, I realized he was right.
The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my
location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been
stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in
the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but
then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?"
he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal
your dang car!"
Welcome to the golden years..............
myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the
car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's
ignition.
He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking
lot, I realized he was right.
The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my
location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been
stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in
the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but
then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?"
he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal
your dang car!"
Welcome to the golden years..............