"Things are fixin' to git real noisy hereabouts!"..I muttered!!
Well now folks I hope ya'll can forgive my abscence of late. Since early March I've been working 15hr. shifts....8hrs. nightshift at the bakery and then another 7hrs. on construction jobs. Today I finally got a few moments to swill a beer and tell ya'll a story. Here goes. Not long ago I arrived home, and as I pulled into the driveway and parked the truck, I seen The Missus and Bryce Logan (grandson..age 3 at the time) standing on the front porch looking mighty distraught and disheveled. I just knew it wasn't gonna be a good day by the look on their faces. I waddled down the sidewalk and the first thing I heard was..."Poppie!...They's a rat under the house and it's a'gnawin' on the floor!!!" (Thank you Bryce Logan for that information...you just made my day...grrr...) I glanced at The Missus to verify his story and she silently mouthed the words..."BIG #&*@*%ing RAT!" Hmmmm? Folks, I ain't never seen a rat here..ever. Probly just a field mouse 'er a mole 'er something I figgered. In any case as all you married menfolks well know there is no argying with wimminfolks or grandkids..so just roll up yer sleeves and rip off a section of skirting on this old mobile home and lets go have us a peek. Eh? Now folks my old trailer sits just a few feet above the ground and they ain't a helluva lot of clearance to wedge my ample body underneath it. So I'm layin' on my back...in the flowerbed...in my bakery uniform...at 7a.m. after having worked all night...peering at the underside of the trailer as I scrooched further and further beneath the frame. And then I seen a hole about the size of a basketball in the underside of the floor!! "Well I'll be danged!" ..I wheezed...."something surely has been gnawin' hereabouts!" Well folks I studied on this a while and noticed a piece of rope dangling down in the edge of the hole and I figgered to give it a yank so's to clear it out of my way. And so I did. Folks..that warn't no rope..it was a tail. An it was connected to the biggest 'possum I have ever seen in all my born days! Ahhh yes! More to come! Audie..the oldfart!
Well now I'm sure most of ya'll have seen 'possums before. Likely flattened out on the road or scurrying from side to side on the road at night trying (it seems) to ensure their demise. BUT! Have you ever seen a 'possum up close? I mean really close! Like about 4 inches away from yer face...and cornered..and perturbed on account of you yanked on their tail? Ahhhh....I didn't think so! Now imagine the 'possum is about the size of a small car..and you are wedged beneath a trailer and unable to move? Kind'a sets the picture in focus now don't it...eh?? Well..there I was! Folk....a 'possum at that size and range looks very much like a very old person...just released from a mental institution. They have wide open pale blue eyes...tiny dots for pupils...hair all frazzled and long sharp teeth. Lots of teeth! And they grin a lot! Long pointy noses and they drool constantly. Quite un-nerving to the un-accustomed fat man wedged under said trailer. We shared our gaze for a time...he/she seeming curious and a bit angry. Me, stunned and speachless and eyeballs getting about the size of 2 fried eggs. And then the 'possum seemed to make a decision. It reached out with one gnarly hand...much like the arthritic and knobby hand of some of codger..towards my face. Everything seemed to move in slow motion at that time. I could see that hand reaching down for me and even though my body could not/would not move....my lungs were filling up with more air than most mere mortal men have ever sucked in during one lifetime!! When that 'possums front paw touched my nose it was like it hit the "scream" button!! Folks I let loose such a volume of air and hollaring that even the 'possum was impressed! I could tell by the way it's hair blowed back and the drool stopped running in my face! And then...something grabbed my legs! Ohhh no...we're not nearly done yet! Yet more to come! Audie..the oldfart!
Well now folks if yer following this longwinded tale..so far I'm wedged under this trailer and a 'possum is about to gnaw on my nose and I've nowhere to go. AND..about the same time something latched aholt of my legs. Well..turns out it was just The Missus grabbing my legs and attempting to yank me out from under the trailer. PHEW! She succeded in pulling me free..though not without some screaming on my part! And, I might add, with her hair all disheveled and grinning as she was... she looked a lot like a 200lb. 'possum at the time!! Harrumph! I finally came to my senses and warned her..."You best be taking Bryce Logan and heading down to the neighbors house fer a spell...things is fixin' to git a bit noisey hereabouts!!" On wobbly legs I headed down to the garage and plucked that Mossberg shotgun down from the rafters and shoved a coupl'a shells into the tube and headed back up to the trailer. Now folks...I don't cotton much to being scared..and I don't like being threatened. And if something troubles my grandkids..it troubles me even more so. I poked the barrel of that shotgun under the edge of my home just in time to see that varmint waddling over the sewer line dangling yonder and I cut loose with a barrage of gunfire. (sigh..) The 'possum escaped unscathed..though it is probably deef now. I had to replace 20ft. of sewer-line and 3 panels of skirting. I figger...I won. And that's the way it was at The Homeplace that day! Audie..the oldfart!!
about 6 years ago, a blood curdling scream woke the neighborhood up at 3am. i jumped out of bad and grabbed the 45 before running out of the house.
there in the middle of the street, shaking like a leaf in a tree, was the neighbor from across the street.
he starts screaming theres a rat in my bed! theres a rat in my bed!!
by this time there are also 3 patrol cars there also.
we get him calmed down enough that we can make sense of what he is saying, and go into the house to investigate.
sure enough, when we walk into his room there is a big ol possum sitting on his bed, eating the cracker crumbs left over from his late night snack.
at the sight of the "rat", john starts screaming SHOOT IT!! SHOOT IT!!. so i did.
he had been yammering for 2 or 3 weeks about a scratching noise in the crawlspace, but we figured he was just drunk.
after the body was disposed of, we found the possum had gnawed a hole almost 15 inches through the wallboard to get into the house.
the 2 rookie cops were a bit freaked out, but the road sergeant, a friend of mine, thought it was pretty funny, cause he still remembered the days back when we were more of a farm community than a housing development, and it was not uncommon to use your sidearm to "dispatch" critters.
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I was 16 and hitchhiking across country with two girls, a blond (this was my sweet of the week) and a brunette, not to attractive but the truckers liked her, got us rides. We had been let off somewhere in Virginia and where walking along the railroad tracks when I spied the biggest rat head I had ever seen. Being a city guy my whole life I was not particularly enthralled with rodents, especially ones that size. My girl, who had been raised in the country just started chuckling at at my astonishment that rats grew so big in the country and proceeded to explain to me what possums where, all I could think about was how big the teeth where and was there anymore nearby. This is the same girl I was with, on the same day, that I was attacked by a ferocious farm dog. After being assured that other possums weren't nearby and really wouldn't be hunting me, we continued on our way. A couple of hours later we where walking alongside a fence that had some bulls in the field when a dog came running across the grass from the other direction barking and growling like I was his nights meal, being quick, I hopped the fence, not knowing that bulls are not particularly nice animals, (remember, city guy, thinking Moo cow) when I turned back to the girls, there was mine, rubbing the dogs belly and informing me that cows with horns that are snorting and pounding the ground are infinitely more unpleasant to deal with than a barking dog. Not mucho macho that day. The evening turned out better in a cabin in the woods.
Five years later, I had since found out that possums will bite, they do not always play dead. I was out doing my best Disco Dan with a girl who had an incredible pair of legs. Mucho Macho, smokin the dance floor and spouting lines Travolta couldn't keep up with. We had left the last dance club and where heading to a quiet spot in her little firebird when a possum ran out in front of us. You could hear and feel it as it rolled around under the car. This girl, being sympathetic to wildlife, decides to get out and see if it is okay. Me, I'm remembering the big teeth of one I had seen years before and learning that they will bite. Leave it there, the road crew will get it later. She decides it isn't right to leave it in the middle of the road and proceeds to get out of the car, grab the tail of the dead possum and drag it to the side of the road where it wouldn't get smashed to bits by other vehicles. Boy has my machismo been beat up. As we drive off I decide for some odd reason to go around the block to look at our contribution to the roadkill population of Pennsylvania. It was gone, they do play possum. Again, the night turned out okay in that little quiet out of the way spot.
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Well by gum it seems some of ya'll have some good stories to tell as well!! Ya'll sure brought a cackle from this ole codger! HAW!HAW!HAW! Now I'll just presume here that the young feller that assisted the local constables in way-laying the big "rat" in that fellers bed must'a been, or is, a police officer..hmmmm? How many shots did it take to dispatch that 'possum? (big giggle here!!) Reason I ask is I've seen you fellers shoot! I don't doubt his bedroom looked like swiss-cheese a'fore that little fiasco was o'er! HAW!HAW!HAW! Mind ye...I'm just teasing now..don't look so serious! And Soondg...I've seen The Bull!!! I know whereof ye speak!!! Dating a farmers daughter.... I have larn'd to climb high fences at speeds FAR beyond the skills of most mere mortal men!! I have out-runned a FarmAll 706..in high-range/6th. gear! I have hid in a silo...don't reccomend it...the fumes will have ye walking 3 feet above the ground in about 8 hours! Fell out of the hay-mow and bounced off the barn floor 30ft. below. (that hurt!) Hmmm..got shot at once! Fortunatly farmers shoot just about like cops! Hee! Hee! Hee! Ahhhh..life has been not boring if not especially good...eh! Audie...lost in the memories...
Fellers I wish I could garantee I can show up at the April event. Fact is there's things goin' on that may prevent my being there. Not by my choice..but that's the way life goes some times. Ya'll do humble me with your posts. Soondg..send me an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org and let me explain it to you and then you decide whether it belongs here or not. Of course, anyone else that wishes to contact me at the above e-mail address may do so as well. Just be sure and include something in the subject line that lets me know ya'll are from this forum so's I know it's from my friends here. Many thanks...Audie..the oldfart!
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