Humor in Pennsylvania

[ranger1999 Bob]

if this one is too much please delete it with my apologies... After a stop in Colorado, barack obama, joe biden, and hillary clinton are on obamas campaign bus. they are going to another rally and have to travel through the mountains.. there are cliffs and deep gorges on the road and many hills and drops... While crossing the steepest mountain downgrade with a deep gorge on the right, the bus's brakes give out and it isnt long before the bus careens over the side crashing 200 ft below.. who is saved?? AMERICA!

[soondg]

Does someone have a McCain joke to even this out?

Did anyone ever tell McCain to stop bleating around the Bush?

[soondg]

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The liquid inside young coconuts
can be used as a substitute for



Blood plasma.

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No piece of paper can be folded in half



more than seven (7) times.

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Donkeys kill more people annually


than plane crashes.

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You burn more calories sleeping

than you do watching television.

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Oak trees do not produce acorns


until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

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The first product to have a bar code


was Wrigley's gum.

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The King of Hearts is the only king


WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

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American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one (1) olive


from each salad served in first-class.

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Venus is t he only planet that rotates clockwise.


(Since Venus is normally associated with women,what does this tell you!)

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Apples, not caffeine,


are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

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Most dust particles in your house are made from


DEAD SKIN!

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The first owner of the Marlboro Company
died of lung cancer.



So did the first ' Marlboro Man.'

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Walt Disney was afraid



OF MICE!

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PEARLS MELT



IN VINEGAR!

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The three most valuable brand names on earth:

Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

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It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...


but, not downstairs.

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A duck's quack doesn't echo,


and no one knows why.

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Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush
be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.


(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)



Richard Millhouse Nixon

was the first U.S. president
whose name contains all the letters
from the word 'criminal.'
The second ?
William Jefferson Clinton


(Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!)

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And the best for last.....


Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

[soondg]

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber. There is a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse....'

[soondg]

In The 1500s

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:

These are interesting...

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.


Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with
the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.


Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.


Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.


Englandis old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

[soondg]

Subject: Elderly Foreplay

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style. The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic, however, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in
the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

'Gladys!' he exclaimed,' For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in ....you look like an a****le.'

[soondg]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

[soondg]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I
instructed. Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than
five minutes later, I overheard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a massive internal fart.
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with me (his
cardiologist), he informed me that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch. The nurse told me to
put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to
put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the
instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How
long have you been bedridden?' With a look of complete confusion , she
answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning. While checking
up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's
very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I just can't seem to get used
to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and
the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly.

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, And above it there
was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady
upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said,
'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, I wish I
was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[soondg]

A little racy, but funny.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

'Oh look' says the first nun, 'it's a soap dispenser'.

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.

Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap..

Now the third nun decides to have a go.

She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs, then yells...

'Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!'

[soondg]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask 'Do you want fries with that?'

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-thru Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13 . Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'



And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity



14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[soondg]

Vaseline Research


A man doing market research knocked on a door and
was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?'

&nbs p;She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually
people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to
help with a gate hinge, but, in fact, I know that most people do use it
for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can
you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on
the door knob to keep the kids out.'

(AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT?)

[soondg]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife....

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary

submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my

interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little

something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,

pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short

lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate

time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of

electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?



Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face

of her microwave!



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't

be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little

soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to

try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought

about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She

is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to

protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work

as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser

in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your

assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major

loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your

assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than

three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at

this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;

pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)

thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie loo king on with her head cocked to one side as

to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one- second burst from such a

tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a

one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,

pushed the button and...



HOLY MOTHER MARY, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! !!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the

recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my

eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,

with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my

legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,

licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it

again!'



Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution:

there is no such thing as a one-second burst

when you zap yourself!You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged

from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst

would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-*%# ... That hurt like **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that

point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),

sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of

the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both

nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with

Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.



I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their

safe return!!



P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

[soondg]

Riddle



You are driving in a car at a constant speed.



On your left side is a 'drop off',

(The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on).



On your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.



In front of you is a galloping horse,

which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.



Behind you is a galloping zebra.

Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as YOU.



What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

















* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round. *

[soondg]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.



After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.



The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"











The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

[soondg]

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what would you say?