Fun Stuff

[glruff]

Every wanted to know where some of the stupid "smiley faces" come from? Well here are some free ones, just post the link to the "favorites center" in the "Links" folder and you will have them to command. http://www.websmileys.com/fingers.htm Remember, you are posting in the outer limits of FTE, so keep it clean. Enjoy.

[glruff]

Hey guys, it's ok for you to start a "New Topic". Just click the button in the Delaware Chapter thread and post away. I am running low on meaniful(hmmm that's a tough word)topics to post.

Remember, it's OUR chapter and not my chapter.

[glruff]

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these Four Religious Truths:

Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

[glruff]

You Gotta Love Drunk People

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife.

Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him? She asks

No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be Ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband



"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.

[savage2211]

I Think I have been on that swing..

[DoubleJ73]

I think I've been at that Hooters....

later ended up on that swing.....

[glruff]

Members have been asking about items to show their membership in FTE. Well, here is a link to get a FREE WINDOW DECAL.

[taisa899]

ok since you seem to have turned this into a joke thread here you go:


Couple of buddies were sitting in a bar, after a few beers one guy dumps a little beer in the palm of his hand and rubs it in. They talk some more, then he again dumps a little beer in his hands and rubbed it in. The second guy looks at him a little confused but goes on, they talk some more and again the first guy dumps a little beer in the palm of his hand and rubs it in.
Finally his buddy ask him, "What are you doing?"
First guy replies, "I'm trying to get my date drunk."



Jim

[glruff]

Jim, did Matt tell you that joke?

[DoubleJ73]

somebody sent this to me at work....had to share...!

Tools and their REAL uses



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest

and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that

freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints

and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it

takes you to say, "Yeou s**t...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation

of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt

heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to Transfer

intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the

conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various

flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the

grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile

upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any

known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any

possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most

shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength

of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called

a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine

vitamin,"

which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits

aside, radiates light in a semi strobe manner at the same rate that

105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the

first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than

light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under

lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing

oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip

out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning

power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that

travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty

bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford,

instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug

nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts

adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to

make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic

bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic

parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in

use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage

while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most

often, the very next tool that you will need.

[DoubleJ73]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[SCRWDRVR]

^^^^^ Thanks for the laughs I needed them.