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Got this in an email at work the other day. . .laughed so hard I started to cry
I LIKE MONKEYS
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
So, there's this homeless shelter in an old Alaskan mining town called the Glory Hole.
For those of you who don't know, a glory hole is a vertical mining pit.
Anyway, this shelter accepts donations from
hunters; you get a nice head on your wall, a fur hat on your head,
and the shelter gets a few hundred pounds of free meat.
So they've got big bears up there, and if you can kill one,
that's a mighty big head on the wall, what woman
wouldn't want to lay you on a bearskin run, and well, alot of
good meat goes to the homeless shelter.
But bears may harbor trigonosis, just like pigs, and the state said
that was unacceptable. Heaven forbid you just cook it all
the way through like a ham.
So they banned bear meat from the homeless shelter,
and the local newspaper made it thier top headline:
NO MORE BEAR MEAT IN GLORY HOLE
True story. Google it.
1976 F-100 XLT Ranger (home improvement mule)
- 300/T-18/3.00, manual brakes & busted power steering
- Offy DP, QJet, EFI manifolds, Dynomax exhaust
2008 Chrysler 300
2005 Chevrolet Impala
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