We have a dilemma where my wife's teenage brother is concerned. He's 14 and hangs out in town with his buddies a lot and sometimes comes by here to wait for Dad to pick him up.
The other day my wife gave him a ride home and he told her he'd been drinking and smoking pot. He told her in confidence because he thinks we're cool and won't say anything. Friday night him and his friends came by and they were stoned so he wasn't lying about it for whatever reason.
My wife thinks her brother trusts her more than he does his parents (duh) so if she doesn't say anything to them, if the kid gets in trouble he'll call here or at least know where to go in a bad situation. If she tells Dad the kid might keep it up, but not call anyone if he needs to and wind up in a worse situation or get hurt. She doesn't want to rat on him but at the same time she wants her parents to know what he's up to when he's running around all night and isn't where he said he'd be.

We haven't been bad role models, he knows we don't do drugs or anything like that, we don't have parties here and we've both tried to discourage him from doing stuff like that. I don't know what his parents would do if they knew what he was doing half the time. What would you do? Keep it to yourself and just hope he calls you in a pinch and nothing bad happens, or tell your parents and let them deal with it, knowing the kid will never trust you again?

 

I'd be honest with the kid. Talk it over with him and explain your feelings and worries. Remind him of the consequenses of using an illegal substance..as if he isn't already aware. Honesty is alwys the best policy...even if he gets mad at you. Talk with him first before going to his mom and dad, if thats what you decide to do.

 

i my self am 16,and on the teens behalf i would say keep it to ur self...but yet im also a uncle and big bro so on the other end,i would tell the parents that they should keep a closer eye on him,but dont tell them about the pot and alcohol,so either way,if u tell them the second one,u will be trusted from both ends....so its up to u,
just my 16 cents

 

My wife has talked to him, when he first told her about it. She was surprised because he's basically a good kid, it's just in the last 6 months or so he's been running around. Her parents probably won't do a whole lot to curb his "town time" either. He goes to school here and they pick him up on their way home at 6 or 7. On the weekends he stays with friends because he doesn't live near anyone up in the mountains to hang out with.
My wife remembers some of the stupid stuff she did as a teenager, so she's kind of on the kid's side as far as letting him learn the hard way like she did, but "grownup syndrome" has her worried about him.

 

I agree with Fordlover. Talk to the kid first, tell him that you do not approve of what he is doing. Also tell him that if he continues to come to your house under the influence, his actions will force you to tell his parents.

Another way to handle this, would be to not let him in your house/on your property, if he is under the influence. This way you are letting him know that you do not condone what he is doing, with out breaking his trust in you.

Chris

 

What ever you decide let him know his friends are not welcome. If they get in trouble don't come to you for help. They know what they are doing is wrong.

 

trust me ckrichard,and fordlover,if u lecture him he WILL retaluate against everything and every one,and will probly get killed or kill him self,so dont confront him all at one time,he will feel attacked,and ur screwed just tell the perents to keep a close eye on him and do as my perents did to me,let him learn it the hard way,after i learned i cleaned my act up,thats wut jail does to u,just my 16 cents,nick

 

If you don't do anything about it, how will you feel if his actions while stoned/drunk result in serious injury or death to himself or someone else?

Hindsight will always be 20/20, but you will have to live with the fact you could have prevented a tragedy, and did nothing.

Eh, just another thing to think about. He may trust you, but he has now placed you in a very awkward position, and given you responsibility you may not like having.

Letting him "learn it the hard way" may result in injury to an innocent party. Our actions rarely affect only ourselves.

 

ckrichard has some good ideas to try.(setting up some rules of how he is to act, as well as things he can and cannot do in your home) the main problem is that he is now 14 years old and if someone really wanted to stop this behavior they should have started 10 years ago. as 1972ford_f-100 said if you confront him all at once he will rebell and things may get worse.

 

Letting him "learn the hard way" may kill him or others.
Be straight with him...let him know he's put you in an awkward position but let him know that you MUST tell his parents! Keeping it from them and doing nothing will only encourage him to continue the bad behavior.

If he stops talking to you and doesn't trust you any more - So What!!! He's only using you at this point anyway.

I've got a 20 year old son and 16 year old daughter....so I'm not totally inexperienced in this area - I know my son has done some drinkin' but dont think (hope) he hasn't experimented with drugs.

He's moved out and is living with two pretty cool kids - seems to have his act together. My daughter is SO busy trying to keep her grades up to get a college scholarship, she doesn't appear to have time to get in trouble.

Raising kids is tough without a Chilton or Haynes showing you how...

 

You can't issue any ultimatums like "stop or I'll have to tell your parents", because he will keep doing what he is doing, but not tell you about it.

Tough love is the way to go here, you need to nip this in the bud now before it ruins his life. At 14 he has way too much adolescense left to trust him to not get into worse things.

You have to tell his parents and he has to know that no one in his family will put up with drug use. Tell the parents before you explain to him why you had to do it, because if you try to explain first his emotional pleas might cause you to change your mind.

It's tough to 'rat him out', but his perception of your acceptance gives him a way to rationalize his behavior to himself.

 

14's young enough to change him. It's all about the reinforcment you give the kid, if you give him something positive each time he is under "any influence" he'll think it's ok to do that to himself. As for 72Ford, being 16 automatically makes your opinion about as biased as CNN, so you best shut up.

 

I don't mind getting opinions from all ages, as we're trying to see this from everyone's POV. 1972Ford has a good point, that confronting him may make him rebel even more. But everyone here has been helpful.

My wife is woried that, like mentioned above, some innocent party is going to get hurt. I'm thinking, the next time he's out partying, someone calls the cops to go check it out, maybe that would shake him up some. Or else it makes him learn to hide it better?

 

If he can't trust his siblings, who can he trust? Let the parents be the parents. If they do thier job they will know what he is up to without your help. Don't think your heading off trouble, your telling will cause him more emotional disturbance and will compound his current confusion. Talk to him. Be his friend. Friends don't rat out friends. Period.

 

Wow-

first of all, this problem is a lot more common than most parents/relatives would care to realize, so you've got a lot of company out there. From a practical standpoint, the only real path to improvement is to identify the problem and run with the ball from there. It sounds like the kids has too much unsupervised time on his hands. Kids, being kids, will find a way to occupy that time. The problem is a 14 yr old isn't really capable of always making good decisions as to how to spend that time, and who to spend it with.

What are his interests? Teenage boys aren't that hard to figure out- sports, cars, girls, and anything that involves power tools.(grin) The first step is to see if his school offers any after-school activites that might interest him. Any youth groups operating in your area? Boy Scouts (hey- camping and outdoor survival skills, don't laugh). If you have a moment, I'd try to chat with his HS councellor to get some ideas. A local pastor could be a good resource too- these are professionals trained to deal with issues like this.

re: the parents. Disclaimer, my wife is a special-ed teacher at our local HS, and has a classroom full of behavioural-issue teens. So, the professionals advice:
1. you have to tell the folks, and that kids needs a) a drug rehab program and b) some type of structured after-school activity. Now, not later.

Why: most states have changed their laws as to how minors are treated. 15 yrs old is now the magic number, so if your state is in this catagory, the kid stands a good chance of jail time if he runs afoul of the law. If he's not gainfully employed (most aren't at that age), it's just a question of time before he starts dealing to support his activities. In many cases, that's why a youngster gets drawn into a group like this in the first place. If he gets caught, there are some serious implications that could really derail the train off of its tracks.