At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

Those of us old enough to remember the old Hollywood Squares Game (before Whoopi) will appreciate these. These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. These are from the old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's.


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Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


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Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...


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Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


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Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.


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Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


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Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


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Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!


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Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


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Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!


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Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


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Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


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Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


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Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tails. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.


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Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


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Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!


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Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!


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Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.


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Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


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Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


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Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.


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Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.


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Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


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Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

 

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes out to the garage to hook up his boat.

Outside, rain is pouring down, a torrential downpour, really, Plus, there is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing at around 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. Learning it's going to be bad weather all day long, he puts his boat back in the garage, goes upstairs, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There, he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that junk?"

 

HAHA those are great King...

 

More!! More jokes!! We need more jokes!!

 

Excellent!!!!!

 

A blind man is telling his friends about how he's able to sky dive.
"The parachute is packed and put on me", he explains. "then I'm positioned at the door, and the pilot tells me when to jump."
"but how do you know when your gonna land?" asks one friend.
"simple," replies the blind man. "The dog's leash goes slack."


Political Realities
Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours it down the drain.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Democracy: You have two cows. Government taxes force you to sell them in order to support a man in a foriegn country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.


Holey Cow
A husband, wife and son are barely making ends meet on their farm. One morning the wife sees the family's only cow lying dead in the field and hangs herself in desperation. When the husband awakes, he sees his wife and cow dead and shoots himself.
The son finds his parents dead and goes to drown himself, only to discover a mermaid at the river.
The mermaid tells him, "If you have sex with me 10 times in a row, I will revive your parents and the cow."
"why not 20?" replies the son.
"fine," she says. "twenty it is."
"but wait," says the son. "how do I know that 20 times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

 

A farmer decides that he wants to go into the pig business, but he knows nothing about it. After buying 20 sows and 1 boar he sits back and waits for nature to take it's course. He wait for several weeks, but nothing much seems to be happening so he calls up the vet and explains the problem. The vet tells him that he may have to have them artificially inseminated. Not wanting to admit his ignorance, he thinks that this means he has to service them himself. He asks the vet, " How will I know if it took or not?" The vet says, "Look at the sows the next morning and see what they're doing. If they are all just walk around, rooting and acting normally, then it didn't take and you will have to do it again. But if they are all down and rolling in the mud, then it took." The pig rancher goes home and, not wanting to do the deed in front of his wife, loads them all up into the truck and drives up into the mountains, where he finds a lovely secluded meadow where he unloads the pigs and proceeds to service each and every one of them. After the drive home he wearily lets them back into the pen and goes into the house where he falls into bed, exhausted. The next morning he leaps out of bed excitedly and looks out the window where he observes them walking around, rooting and acting perfectly normal. Crestfallen, he loads them back into the truck and drives them to his meadow in the mountains, where he services the all over again. Unloading them at home, he goes to bed. The next morning he eagerly goes to the window again, and it's exactly the same as before- all normal. He loads them up one more time and, arriving at his private meadow he proceeds to service each and every one of them not once, but twice! Back home again, it all he can do to unload them into their pen and drag his weary body to bed. The next morning, being afraid to look, he says, "Wife, go to the window and tell me what them pigs is doin'. Is they all up and walkin' around, or down and rollin' in the mud?" The wife goes to the window where she stands looking perplexed. "Well?" Says the rancher, "Are they standin' or rollin'?" "Neither one," says the wife, "They're all in the truck...and one of 'em's honkin' the horn!"
( My apologies if this is too risque for this forum. -TD)

 

This is just too perfect irrespective of your political views.
George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he invites questions. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Presidentasks him his name.
"Billy!"
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have three questions," says the boy. "First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?; Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; and Third - what ever happened to Osama bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George W Bush informs the children that they will continue after recess. When they resume, the President says: "Okay where were we? Oh that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and asks his name.
"Steve!"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions: First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?; Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?; Fourth - why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?; and Fifth - what happened to Billy

 

These are great we all love your jokes here.

 

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big
open-mouthed kiss , then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough! I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, wintering in Barbados, summers in Tuscany, sports cars

in the garage and no more yacht club, credit cards,

but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

 

Mil1ion,

you owe me a beer, on account of the one I just snorted through my nose when I read your joke!

Regards

 

A Thinking Man

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long
time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a
true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording
monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." This is actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)!


"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank, it won't accept! anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that! bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"






"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

 

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "hey, what's with the long face?"

 

those were some good ones Mil1ion. good laughs....

 

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying "you can do as you please in Heaven, just don't step on any ducks."

The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck.

Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says, "for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."

The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man.

The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says "I don't know what I did to deserve this."

The man replies, "I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck."