The opening ceremony will feature a re-enactment of the history of the government of British Columbia, performed by a professional clown troupe and a used car salesman.
A flock of peace doves will be released to celebrate Canada's freedoms. The doves will then be available in local ethnic dining establishments, shortly after the ceremony.
Next will be an exciting display of synchronized SUV parking, and then the SUV's will be stolen.
This will be followed by a large variety of performances celebrating the diversity of Canada's culture. Riot police will be in attendance to keep the performers apart.
A separate, simultaneous opening ceremony will be held in French. This event will be lavishly funded by the federal government, and will receive extensive coverage on CBC. It is expected to have a total of 7 attendees.
Biathlon Venue: Gastown
Description: Competitors must shoot as many spectators as possible, within the permitted time.
Fencing Venue: Surrey
Description: Matches will be between national teams of 6 or more individuals, each issued with a combination of machetes, knives and lengths of steel pipe.
Points will be awarded for the most creative ethnic slurs.
100 m hurdles Venue: Commercial Drive
Description: Competitors must complete the race while carrying a DVD player and a 32" television set. The competitors are free to perform the event as many times as they wish. The original plans to include a police dog chasing the competitors, were dropped due to concerns about the lack of realism.
Vancouver Modern Pentathlon Venue: Downtown Eastside
Description: The event has been amended to include Panhandling, Squeegee-ing, Beer Can Collecting, Shopping Cart Racing and Cardboard Shelter Building.
All events are to be performed while under the influence of crystal methamphetamine.
Volleyball Venue: Kitsilano
Description: Competitors will be judged by the quality of their physical appearance and the brands of clothes they are wearing. Additional points will be added for their skill in selecting the most appropriate wine to accompany dishes, consisting of organic, pesticide-free artichoke hearts, imported aged
goat cheese, and raw seaweed.
Venue: Kingsway at Joyce Street, Burnaby (at 1 am)
Description: The events will be performed in the back seat of an old Honda Civic. The competitor who scores the most, wins.
Bob Sled Venue: None
Description: This event has been cancelled because the provincial government has deemed bobsleds to be vehicles, and none of the competitors were able to afford the compulsory ICBC insurance premiums.
The closing ceremony will begin with a fly-over of the entire Canadian Forces helicopter fleet. Please stay well clear of that aircraft's flight path.
In an exciting event without precedent, the ceremony will feature the athletes being evicted from the Athlete's Village, an illegal squat in Stanley Park.
Ceremonies will conclude with a gay Mardi Gras style parade, down Davie St.