ok heres my situation !

Out of a one night stand,a little girl was born.

Paternity tests showed that I am the father.

To start, her mother stayed in town until the little girl was 5 months old, then she up and moved to another state.
I helped her when she was in town but now, she won't let me see the little girl; So I wont give her any money.

Now she is tryin to take me to court for child support. I refuse to pay for a child that I can't even see!

What do I do ?

I'm stressed so much right now.

Has any one else been in a situation like this ?

Please, I need some advice.

 

truck87,

My understanding of the laws concerning child support is that, if you pay support to the child and wish to have visitation with the minor, the mother has no say so, unless she can prove you to be unfit, a dead beat dad so to speak. But if you are supporting the child and the enviroment you are introducing her to is of the courts liking, and then if the mother refuses to let you see the child, then she, herself is in contempt of court, for breaking the guidelines set by the court system...It wouldn't hurt to seek some legal advice, some lawyers will talk to you free the first time. I live in NC, the laws where you reside maybe be different, not much, but maybe.....Good Luck man...............

 

fordtruck87,

If you are the biological father of this child then you have rights. You will need to file a motion at the courthouse to modify/gain visitation rights.

If you are paying child support than you have the right to visit with the child. Do yourself a favor and continue to pay the child support until you get this thing worked out and controlled by the courts. Until then always have proof of payment to the childs mother.

Good luck
Bill

 

She (the mother) will have to go through the VA court system if that's where the child was born - but VA law (as I'm sure every state) says that you contribute (on a sliding-scale) to the financial stability/security of your child - your share/responsibility - whether you see the child or not. Though your additude and behavior (history, etc.) is considered in the court room, it is secondary, to them, to the 'business' side of THIS (SUPPORT) situation. I guarantee the mother is no "St. Teresa" herself - everyone has a past - if she sees you gettin' your 'ducks in a row', she'll most likely be concerned about any 'skeletons' in her closest or 'ghosts' from HER past, and lighten-up on the "seeing the child" thing - she'll be more cooperative.

YOU also have the RIGHT to 'see' the child, spend time, etc., whether you pay or not. HOWEVER if the mother petitions the court (or HAS petitioned) they will issue a "Rule to Show Cause" (or Show Cause Rule), find you (not a good thing), or your address/J-O-B (MUCH WORSE) - and serve you, putting you on 'notice' of the claim by the mother, and provide a hearing date for you to contest or comply with the petition. If you Fail to Appear they will come after you with some 'iron-bracelets'. If you are found/proven or agree that you are the father, and you don't pay, they (the Commonwealth), will put out a warrant for your arrest called a 'Capias' - Failure to Comply (follow/obey) with a court order/Child Support, and arrest you. These arrests often occur when folks (women too!) least expect them - speed trap, brake light out, someone rear-ends you in traffic, cop shows up, runs a drivers license through a computer - bingo - busted.

The courts have gotten a little better about fathers "right'S" (plural), but it is STRICTLY BUSINESS to them as far as the money is concerned. 'They' don't want to deal with this stuff - it's the worst, much less pay for it (they being the courts/taxpayers - of which I assume you are one) - and rightly so as 'they' didn't create the child - they will pay (help out w/a roof and meals) in the form of 'assistance', but they will back-charge it to you, and run a 'tab'.

This stuff "can" get real sticky, real ugly, real quickly - I stongly suggest, if you know you are the father -

1. PAY and KEEP ALL CHECKS (or RECIEPTS of money orders) - NEVER, EVER (!!!) PAY HER WITH CASH or any other type of compensation!!! At least until you have a final court order of some sort in your hand (and then a copy in a safe - and a copy in another safe!).

2. Make as nice with her (the mother) as absolutely possible! She may very well (probably will) come back (ESPECIALLY if she is from your area, or has family there - it usually happens, sooner or later - be careful what you wish for - you just might get it). - It will make everything much better in the short AND long run if you just go along, at least tolerate the woman - it's what's in the best interest of the child too.

I speak from personal experience in VA. (on the sticky/ugly/quickly stuff) and having seen it ALL in my former business too - and a few friends having gone through it as well.

It's MUCH, MUCH LESS STRESSFUL OUTSIDE OF THE COURT THAN INSIDE!!!

I wish you success my friend - stress is as stress does - just do it, for now, things won't get any worse that way - it's the best, and right, thing to do.

Glenn

 

Not going into details, Yes you can sign away rights to a child, but the mother has to agree to waive child support and remember you are also signing away rights to visitation. There are many different agreements in chid custody between parents, but they are agreements and some rest solely with the current custodial parent especially child support. There are real good ones and really bad ones viewed from both sides. If you don't send support until this is done you are already bad in the eyes of the court.

 

Irrespective of visitation, fathering a child, if verified, is cause enough for a requirement of monetary support. If you are the father, and can be confirmed as such by medical evidence, then you have to pay child support - that is a just and reasonable law. If you fail to pay, you could be arrested, and imprisoned in an attempt to get you to accept your responsibilities. A man's attitude of refusing to pay for a child he cannot see is not accepted by a court anywhere, and the SS departments will prosecute you for recovery of benefit, or parental delinquency.

The moral is: If you do not want to pay, keep your pant on.

Theo

 

I have two friends in similar situations. One pays the support anyways, the other doesn't. It is hard to say what to do in that situation, but personally, I would be having a discussion with the mother and trying to resolve everything (in writing) before I would quit making payments, if I did quit.

Just my 2 cents.

 

I think this is total BS.

If the guy's a deadbeat, and chooses to not participate, despite being given every chance, then yes, the courts should go after him.

HOWEVER, if the father has no access to the child, by the mother's choice, then why should he pay to support it?

This is not moral, it's criminal in my opinion. If you and I go to a Ford dealer and buy a truck, 50/50, and then you run off with it and won't let me drive it, should I be legally bound to continue to pay for it? If so, and I'm making half the payment, should it not be MY RIGHT to use it 50% of the time? If you choose not to let me drive it, and take it to another state, did you not in effect STEAL it from me?

I don't have kids, but this issues really tends to heat me up. Making a baby is a 50/50 deal, I don't know why the mother always ends up with 90% of the power.

IMHO the courts in Canada and the US are seriously screwed up when it comes to parental rights.

Waxy

 

Just my 02.
I'm a twice divorced father of 3 kids. Being the adjudicated father of them does NOT guarantee visitation rights. Visitation is usually set up by the courts during the child support hearing, and must be obeyed by both parties. If you withhold child support because you're not allowed to see the child, you will either sit jail time or have wages garnished. Had it happen to me a few times, and friends of mine also. Visitation has to be at acceptable times for BOTH parties.
Both of my ex's pulled a lot of crap with me, like "I have plans, blah, blah, blah, ". If that happens, then visitation mediation is the only route, and the courts will set definite times and dates, which both parties have to abide by.
I'm been very lucky over the last 16 yrs. My youngest is now 15, so a little less than three yrs left on his obligation. My two older daughters are older than 18, so my obligation is over for them.

Another thing to consider is hospital and medical costs over those 18 years.You will be responsible for some or all the expenses.

My advice, be nice to this woman. The better you get along, the easier it will be for everyone, especially the child. Good luck.

 

The system is definately in the womans favor. From personal experience I know how slanted it can be. When my ex was arrested for child neglect, she left her 1 yr old and 3 yr old alone and went to the store to get beer, Youth Services called me to pick up my son. He was 12 then. I attempted to gain custody, but was told by the state that since he was not home at the time of the incident, that they couldnt help me in any way. The court returned all her kids to her. On the issue of child support (Ransom), I pay mine every month. I dont want the ss ****'s arreesting me. I have been denied visitation on many occasions. The longest was a three year period. I discussed it with my attorney, and he advised me to keep paying unless i wanted to end up in jail. The courts wont do anything to the mother for not upholding her end of the decree.

As for getting a vasectomy, it is dificult to have one done if you are under 35 or dont have any children. When I got mine done, the doctor had to get my wifes permission first!! A woman can get her tubes tied without her husbands consent or knowledge. She can even have an abortion without the fathers knowledge.


As I stated earlier, the system is definately skewed.
My advise is to get a damn good lawyer and pay your child support.....

West

 

> Paternity tests showed that I was the father

I would assume you mean DNA, because this is the only thing that comes close to being 100% reliable so you will not be duped.

That being said, if it is your child, do you love the child and do you want what is best for the child? If so, still support the child AND fight for what is yours and do not give up. Then pray to God for a righteous solution for the child you love.

I would want to know if the woman is now in another state jobless, shacking up with another man (unfit mother) putting the welfare of the child at risk.

 

PAY THE SUPPORT!!!!
The powers that be will take no excuse, not even nonpaternity. Once you are on the hook it is almost impossible to get off. Signing over rights does not excuse obligation. If she goes on welfare, you have to pay welfare back and they are cut throat in collections. They don't care about you or the child, just their record for collections. Visitation is up to the court if she is not willing. Paying support does not guarantee visitation but if you don't pay support, you weaken your position. I get my kids for six weeks every summer and still have to pay support while they are with me. Out of ignorance and expecting good faith, I paid support for 6 months before the order was in place. When the order took effect, they made it retroactive for the last 6 months. Cleaned me out. $22 left for two weeks work. No recourse to get the money back. I was told that any money given to my ex that did not go through the collection system was considered by the court to be a "gift". Fortunately I had canceled checks but I had to go to court and have a hearing to get credit but no refund. The enforcement system is now nation-wide. No place to hide. The true deadbeats get away - people who try get screwed.

 

Whatever the preferable outcome of such a situation, if someone goes to a dealer, and purchases a truck, both parties are chased for the money, not just the one with the vehicle. I helped someone buy a vehicle once, and they defaulted, but kept the car. Guess who had to pay. They still have the vehicle I paid for, and it was a court that made it happen.

 

I would suggest opening up a bank account in the childs name under trust and make your support payments to the account until this is resolved. By doing so, you are showing any court good faith and intent.

 

I'm amazed at the defeatist attitude everyone here seems to have.

I think there'd be more of a fight put up if the courts were trying to take your guns and than when they take your kids. If the courts tried to tell the average American gun owner that they had to continue to pay for their guns, but they would be locked up in a compound and they would be given access only when the court sees fit, there'd be a revolt. Yet fathers in Canada and the US bow down to a law like that every day. WHY?

Just because this is how the courts currently operate doesn't make it right. If I were in this situation I would be so steaming mad there isn't much I wouldn't do to change the status quo.

All the advice here has been to just roll over and play dead. Pay the support, kiss up to the mother, etc... I guess that is probably the easiest way to go about it, but doesn't it make you mad? I'm getting real mad just reading these posts. Why doesn't the father get control and give the mother visitation rights? It's archaic and extremely unjust treatment of the father. His rights are irrelevent.

Fathers are more than ATMs, it's time the courts recognized that, the current system is incredibly UNJUST.

Something needs to change.

Waxy