Joke Thead
#1
07-04-2011, 09:45 AM
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southeastern Indiana
Posts: 1,958
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Joke Thead
Let's get a thread going with Jokes, funny pictures or video's. Lets see how long we can keep it going.
I'll start
YouTube - Jimmy Kimmel Firefighter Sketch
I'll start
YouTube - Jimmy Kimmel Firefighter Sketch
#2
07-04-2011, 09:55 AM
Hotshot
I'll stick with Jimmy and a topic that brought many snickers around the country...and seeing as I'm from Fort Wayne...well...let's hear Jimmy on Harry Baals (pronounced ***** of course)...
YouTube - ‪Jimmy Kimmel's High Horse Moment of the Night - Harry Baals‬‏
YouTube - ‪Jimmy Kimmel's High Horse Moment of the Night - Harry Baals‬‏
#5
07-05-2011, 03:32 PM
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southeastern Indiana
Posts: 1,958
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
#6
07-05-2011, 04:51 PM
Hotshot
Duane...
That clip ALWAYS brings a smile to my face...I LOVE that one.
The expression on that monkey's face as he THROWS his arms in the air is priceless!!!
Here's a joke...
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your **** brother won't let me in without a tie!"
That clip ALWAYS brings a smile to my face...I LOVE that one.
The expression on that monkey's face as he THROWS his arms in the air is priceless!!!
Here's a joke...
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your **** brother won't let me in without a tie!"
#7
07-06-2011, 09:27 AM
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southeastern Indiana
Posts: 1,958
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Trending Topics
#8
07-06-2011, 05:47 PM
Hotshot
This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, could he see a picture of his wife.
The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
The deputy says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."
One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, could he see a picture of his wife.
The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
The deputy says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."
#9
07-07-2011, 04:25 PM
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southeastern Indiana
Posts: 1,958
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Women driver's
YouTube - ‪Women Drivers Compilation (‬‏
Make sure you watch until the end
YouTube - ‪Women Drivers Compilation (‬‏
Make sure you watch until the end
#10
07-07-2011, 06:13 PM
One of my favorites....
WARNING!! Do NOT drink anything while reading this! Failure to follow this simple rule will result in your snorting fluids through your nostrils.
You have been rewarned!!!
We have the standard six-foot fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an eight-foot long ground rod, which I drove seven-and-a-half feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart six-horsepower big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my ***** trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical Impulses.
Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied three different times in less than half of a second. It was a matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM, BAM, BAM, you just crap your pants three times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about thirty minutes (maybe two seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like nine volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of.
The eight-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my ***** on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek, (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might first think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My ***** are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (I still don't understand this!)
That day changed my life. I now have a new-found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and that gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
WARNING!! Do NOT drink anything while reading this! Failure to follow this simple rule will result in your snorting fluids through your nostrils.
You have been rewarned!!!
We have the standard six-foot fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an eight-foot long ground rod, which I drove seven-and-a-half feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart six-horsepower big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my ***** trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical Impulses.
Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied three different times in less than half of a second. It was a matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM, BAM, BAM, you just crap your pants three times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about thirty minutes (maybe two seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like nine volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of.
The eight-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my ***** on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek, (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might first think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My ***** are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (I still don't understand this!)
That day changed my life. I now have a new-found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and that gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
#11
07-07-2011, 06:16 PM
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour th e world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour th e world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
#12
07-07-2011, 10:07 PM
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southeastern Indiana
Posts: 1,958
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Until I was in my mid 20's I used to light farts for fun when with friends. I've always wanted to watch a women do it. Now's my chance.
OneQuickBeer.com: The Best Trick You'll See Today
OneQuickBeer.com: The Best Trick You'll See Today
#14
07-09-2011, 10:35 AM
Posting Guru
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Freetown, Indiana
Posts: 1,027
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
#15
07-09-2011, 10:37 AM
Posting Guru
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Freetown, Indiana
Posts: 1,027
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
******** width="640" height="390"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/vDcx9RH91vA&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&versi on=3"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/vDcx9RH91vA&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&versi on=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="640" height="390"></embed>*********>