Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'

 

An elderly woman walked into the
Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted
to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of
the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions
(after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly
woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked
her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and
replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had
been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she
made bets.
The president was surprised and
asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied,
'Well, I bet you$25,000 that your ********* are square.'
The president started to laugh
and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye.
She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my
bet?'
'Certainly', replied the
president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my ********* are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman
answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I
would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as
a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became
very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror
examining his *********, turning them this way and that, checking them
over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider
his ********* as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he
could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10
o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her
lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the
president's ********* were square.
The president confirmed that the
bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman
asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see
clearly.
The president was happy to
oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so
she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.
'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved,
you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a
little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging
his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing
that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that
around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the ***** of the
President of the RoyalBank of Canada !'

 

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six packs

Lady: How much per six pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years


Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which puts your*spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not counting for inflation, thepast 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been*put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: So Where's your Ferrari?

*

*

*

 

 

Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

 

He's a dumb ***, for sure.

 

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus.

 

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.


Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order...

 

WASHINGTON, DC - Sources close to the White House have learned that Barack Obama is planning to run for the office of Pope when the College of Cardinals convenes to elect a successor to ailing Benedict XVI at the end of this month. Calling on the promise of Equality for All, Obama is said to firmly believe that the time has come for a non-Catholic to occupy the Vatican's highest office.





Foreseeing a looming citizenship issue he states that he has discovered an Italian birth certificate that proves he was born in Rome before he was born in Kenya. "That Hawaiian birth certificate never has been worth what I paid for it anyway, and not worth the paper it's written on," he noted.





Continuing, he concluded, "And there's no way that a handful of cardinals could be more expensive to buy than 10 million voters in Michigan."





Further questions should be directed to the Obama Papal Campaign H.Q.:


Abdul Azeem-Aziz Khan Dibb, Campaign Manager

 

Excellent!!!

 

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.


Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and
a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal ... along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale
begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United States

 

 

Had to watch that a few times......

 

 

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

"Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions"

First, "Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"

Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?"

Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?"

Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we?

Oh, that's right: question time..

Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have two questions.

First, "Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?"

Second, "What the fudge(edit) happened to Walter?"