Got done doing yard work today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is always more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after a few more beers, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a women will often say " It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.....

 

 

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and
lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

 

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am..

 

 

 

Two hours into my first day of work as a WalMart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids.

Hearing her swear at them, I said, "Good morning, welcome to WalMart. Nice kids, are they twins?"

The mom answered, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?"

I replied, "I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at WalMart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

A concerned reporter asks Bill Clinton,
"How's Hillary's head?"
"Well, she's no Monica."

 

Taliban Joke of the Year

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,.........








..................... "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

 

 

Why are boys faster than girls? Boys have stick shift....



Dumb, I know, but I got a chuckle out of it.

 

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Get off me. I'm starving."

 

*In the year 2013, a remarkable coincidence will take place----both Groundhog day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.*This rare happening has special meaning.*One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for insight into the future.*The other involves a groundhog....

 

3 drunk guys need a taxi (ok, me, Pat and Mike....same thing right?). The taxi driver knew we were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off. Pat immediately opens the door, and throws some money at the driver. I follow behind and thank the driver. Mike slides by and hit the driver on the basck of the head.

The driver was shocked, thinking that Mike knew what he did. But he asked "What was that for?" To which Mike replied "Control your speed next time you nearly killed us!!"

 

Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven...


God addresses Al first.. ''Al, what do you believe in?''

Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election,

but that it was your will that I did not serve....

And I've come to understand that now.''


God thinks for a second and says:

"Very good. Come and sit at my left.''


God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''

Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness.

I've sinned, but I've never held a

grudge against my fellow man,

and I hope no grudges are held against me.''


God thinks for a second and says:

"You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''
Then God addresses Barrack. "Barrack, what do you believe in?''
He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."