Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.



After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.



As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.



Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.


He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass

and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.



After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it,and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.


They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.



She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.



To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business

 

Once a fisherman, always a fisherman


Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered,
dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer.

"Wow Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'guess who?'
"I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well, she's been reading that book, "50 Shades of Gray."
On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want. ”
So, Here I am!

 

What do you call someone who is addicted to watching "Ducks Unlimited" every night?


~ a QUACK HEAD

 

Good one Wolfie!

 

 

Oh it's Little Johnny now is it? Okay...

Little Johnnies teacher decided to play an interesting game with the kids in class, called "Guess and Tell" - she would describe a thing, and the class had to guess what it was.

So she began:

"It's tiny, and round, and very bright pink or red..."

Little Johnnies hand shot right up, but she chose to ignore it, thinking that he would say something naughty - and picked on little Julie instead:

"It's a STRAWBERRY" she said, and the teacher said -
"No, it's a flower, but that is a very good guess little Julie, it shows you are THINKING!"

Next she said, "Okay - it is sort of round, fat in a way, and brown or pale colored"

Little Johnny began waving his hands in the air, both of them, and the teacher was sure this was a bad sign - so again she picked someone else...

Little Robert said: "It's a Guava!"

The teacher said, "No - it's a POTATO, but that is very good little Robert, it shows that you are thinking!"

Now little Johnny is jumping up and down on top of his desk, with both arms waving madly - this is a disturbance in the classroom, and so the teacher decides to pick little Johnny if only to calm him down before anything bad happens....


"IT'S THICK, FAT, LONG, ROUND, AND HARD!!!" shouts little Johnny!

Moving quickly, the teacher runs to the back of the class where Little Johnny is and SLAPS HIM!

Hard enough that he falls over his chair and onto the floor....

But Little Johnny just smiles up at her and says:

"NO, IT'S A CRAYON - BUT THAT'S GOOD, IT SHOWS THAT YOU ARE THINKING....."

 

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you are great drinkers!
I bet 5,000 Euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 Euros."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "So pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money," said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?"

The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 Euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

 

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.




"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.



Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"



Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says,
"Sure," and sinks the putt.



Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."



The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"



Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.



On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.



Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"



"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.



As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.

I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."



"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

 

 

 

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So . . . If I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you.

 

A pirate walks into a bar. He has a patch on his left eye, a parrot on his right shoulder, and a paper towel on his head.

He tells the bartender to get him glass of rum.

The bartender brings his drink and says "What's with the paper towel?"

The pirate replies......






"Arrrgh - I've got a bounty on me head!"

 

A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE....


She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp,determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the

young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the 'gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ......

"Son-of-a-bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

 

There are two statues in a park:
one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a
pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and,
with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a
reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal
winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished
to do the most.' He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind
the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling
ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The
angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it
again? 'He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
change positions.


This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on it.'

 

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she's probably pissed.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

"Guess I'm just getting old and cranky..." "Old age is no place for sissies..."