We need a jokes sticky thread. I got one for ya from my BBQ forum. I'll post more.
No speak english
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<!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->If you're worrying about how to invest your money with Wall Street and the economy being so unstable, here is some guidance.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you will have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American!

 

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. Shewrites:

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma <!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

 

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 3.75pt; WIDTH: 504.75pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 3.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top width=673><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 3.75pt; WIDTH: 504.75pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 3.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top width=673>President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama " a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Boudreaux, down here at the Joes Crab Shack, Acadia Parish, ffice:smarttags" /><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com</st1:State><ST1lace w:st="on">Louisiana</ST1lace>, I am callin' to tell ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!�
"Well Boudreaux," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news ! How big is your army ?"
"Right now," said Boudreaux, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Pierre, my next-door-neighbor Francois, and the whole Evangeline hunt club. That makes eleven!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Boudreaux that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"No for sure!" said Boudreaux. "I'll have ta call back at ya!"
Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have done acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Boudreaux?" Barack asked.
"Well cher, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Francois's farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Boudreaux, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Boudreaux, "I'll for sure be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have done managed to go git ourselves airborne! We for sure up an' modified <st1:City w:st="on"><ST1lace w:st="on">Pierre</ST1lace></st1:City>'s ultra-light with a shotgun in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have done come and joined us as well!"
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Boudreaux that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Oh Lord," said Boudreaux, "For sure I'll have to call back at you."
Sure enough, Boudreaux called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have done had to call off dat war what we was talking bout."
"I'm not surprised to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, cher," said Boudreaux, "we've all done sat down and had a long chat over some crawfish and beers, and we done come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners.."

CAJUN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN<O</O


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What do you call a midget psychic prison escapee?

A small medium at large.

 

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son demands.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer. We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

 

A young couple had three children.
They were a safety-conscious couple so they raised their children to always be aware of their surroundings and to practice safety-first at all times.

One day the oldest boy, a seven-year-old lad, went to the grocery store with his Dad.

When they got in line at the checkout lane they were immediately behind a woman, wearing tight jeans, whose read-end was at least four-feet wide.

As the little boy and his Dad waited patiently behind the woman with the really big read-end, the cell phone she had in her back pocket sounded an alarm.

The little boy jumped to the side, turned toward his Dad and said,
'Watch Out Dad, She's Backing Up'.

 

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,she
reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!Yep..................SHE'S BLOND

 

That's too funny, Vern.

 

Why do dogs lick themselves?







Wait for it.





Wait for it.







Scroll down.





Not that punch line.








Cause they can't make a fist.

 

Joe was out of work for some time and was getting desperate for a job.

One day, a guy at the bar told him they were hiring down at the pickle factory. Joe didn’t know anything about pickles, but he figured, “What the heck, how hard can it be?”

He went down to the factory, and sure enough he got hired. His wife was ecstatic. She packed his lunch and off he went to work the next day.

Well, when he came home that night, he seemed a little upset.

His wife asked, “Are you OK, Joe? How was your first day at work, a little harder than you thought?”

“No!” said Joe, “It was actually pretty easy, that’s not the problem.”

“Then what’s the matter?” she asked.

“I can’t explain it,” he said, “but I have this irresistible urge to stick my ***** in the pickle cutter.”

“You what???!!!” she said.

“I know, it’s crazy, but I just have this incredible urge to stick my ***** in the pickle cutter!”

“Well, make sure you don’t do it!”

“I know, I won’t” he promised.

Well it went on this way for a couple of weeks, and each day Joe seemed a little more upset. His urge got stronger and stronger. One day he came home early, as white as a ghost and sweating bullets. His wife saw him and was very concerned, to say the least.

“What happened?” she asked

After a few seconds, he mumbled, “I did it.”

“You did what?!”

“I stuck my ***** in the pickle cutter!”

“You stuck you ***** in the pickle cutter???!!! What happened to your *****???!!!” she cried.

“Nothing” he said.

“Nothing???!!!” she said “What happened to the pickle cutter???!!!”
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“SHE GOT FIRED TOO!!!”

 

I'm pretty sure I heard that one when I was in kindergarden. lol.